It’s that time of year. No school. Plenty of spare time. It’s the perfect season for some self-improvement, yeah?
That’s what I thought this summer was going to be for me.
I told myself that I’d try to dress a tad bit nicer, save up my own money, read a bunch of books, start exercising. I want to change my hair a little. I want a car so I can work on my driving. I want to get in shape, slim down, and “look good.” I want to smart myself up a little so I don’t feel so dumb in my classes. I don’t want to feel or look like a bum anymore.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with any of that. My mom actually likes some of the clothes I buy now. I got a haircut and actually like my bangs. I sort of exercise. I just checked out a book to read. My parents just bought me my car (thank you God!).
Often times, I look at myself (literally and figuratively) and feel pretty good. I guess you could say that I like myself a little more now. Then the other day, I thought about all of this and wanted to kinda punch myself.. aha.
There’s nothing necessarily wrong with being happy with these things, right? But what good is all this change if I’m still the same on the inside? How about an improved personality to match the new clothes, new hair, and new (slightly used) car?
Am I any more loving, patient, disciplined, or willing to serve? No. Am I any less selfish, proud, or self-righteous? No. Have I been reading my bible more? No. Have I been praying more? No. Have I been sinning less? No. No, no, no, no, no. The answer to all of the more important questions that I ask myself is “no.”
I have so much time to read the bible, especially at work. What do I do instead? Waste time on facebook, watch some shows, read my weekly manga chapters.
The list of things to pray for is endless and I have more time than ever to pray. Yet, I take my thoughts and concerns to others instead of God. I could have a casual conversation with God on my way to work, on my way home, or while driving. So why don’t I? I think a lot, but why not turn those thoughts into prayers?
This is the time to grow and prepare myself for the upcoming academic year. I know that I struggle with managing my time and willingly giving God a part of my day. I know that I experience spirituals up’s and down’s. A looooooooooot. I know this upcoming year in particular is going to be a challenge and that I will struggle often. I’m trying to run a marathon without any proper training.
Instead of running a race, it feels like I’m crawling or dragging my legs. I want to be able to say that “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
(2 Timothy 4:7)
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