Life has been difficult for awhile and March was an especially hard month, covid-19 circumstance aside (though I don’t doubt that this shelter-in-place has only made things worse). This past week was extra painful and it feels like things are going to continue to be that way for awhile.
Can you believe that next weekend is Easter…? What the heck, lol. This is the least Easter-y Easter season ever.
I am feeling burdened, dejected, and lacking in hope. There is nothing in me that desires to praise God right now. I know there are still reasons to, but my heart is too angry to verbalize these, to acknowledge and lift them up.
This post isn’t for me to start sharing those reluctant praises with you, but it is meant to share the biggest praise – I’m still holding onto God.
Correction. God is still holding onto me.
This one big praise is a multi-layered one, so I guess I’m sort of cheating.
Though I have so much more maturing to do and I always will have so much more to go, I can also see how God has changed and grown me over the years.
The way I process and respond to life’s challenges are, at the very least, a tiny bit of an improvement from the past.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
(Jeremiah 17:9)
If there is one thing that God has really helped me to better understand in the past year, it’s that I need to preach truth to myself when my feelings want to feed me lies. God’s character doesn’t change with my feelings or thoughts. In both my suffering and my victory, God is the same, good God.
It’s important to intellectually hang onto truth when my heart wants nothing but to turn from God.
Honestly, there have been some personally, very low points for me. Thoughts about not wanting to show for Sunday worship, about wanting to run away from everything, about wanting to find relief in harmful ways.
But, let me say it once again – God is still holding onto me. And despite my reluctance, I to Him.
As I reflected on these thoughts last night, my best friend shared this tweet someone posted and oh, how perfectly timed.
What a necessary reminder as Easter quickly approaches. What a necessary reminder of why it is that I can still profess God’s goodness in times when I don’t feel like seeing it.
That empty cross means that I am hope-filled.
It may feel like the weight of all my burdens are crushing me, but Jesus has already crushed sin and death.
One last layer to this praise. As I mentioned at the start, it wasn’t that I couldn’t see God’s blessings and goodness. It’s not that I was blind to praise-worthy details, even in these heart-wrenching circumstances. It was a matter of choosing not to fully acknowledge them, to not give proper gratitude.
But, the fact that my mind is quicker and better at recognizing God’s hand in situations, is another testament to my growth and faith. It only serves more evidence that God is indeed, still doing a good thing in me.
A collection 