Some prayers are scary to pray. Why? Because I know that His answers can be painful ones.
Prayers for humility.
Well I’m certainly not going to be very humbled if I get everything I want and excel at all that I do, now am I? It’s often by throwing my own arrogance, selfishness, and folly back at me that God pops my big head. Is this the only way? Naw. God has definitely humbled me with the sweetest of surprises as well. Encouragement cards. Underclassmen greeting me so cheerfully, always running up to me and giving me hugs. E-mails from my best friend about what God has been teaching her recently. Catch-up conversations with friends. Extremely thoughtful gifts.Those are all also huge ways that I am humbled. But as pleasant as these things are, even then, there’s a bit of pain. I’m reminded that I am inadequate and it is only through God that all this accomplished. There have been times where I harbored some .. not so nice feelings or thoughts but then people would shower me with so much love that I cried at how ugly my own heart could become. Whether His answer is an overtly unpleasant or a pleasant event or process, I am realizing that this is a difficult prayer to pray. I am finally starting to understand that I don’t just wake up less cocky. Sometimes, I have to be broken. Sometimes, I have to be shown my ugliness through the beauty of others. And often times, it also hurts a little.
Prayers for a broken heart.
I constantly ask for a heart like His, one that breaks for His children. “Break my heart for what breaks yours.” Now, this one is obvious, right? I mean, I AM asking God to break my heart. But once again, I am a fool and did not really understand just what that means. Quite frankly, I still don’t. When was the last time that my heart actually broke? There have been instances where something may have hurt a bit, but definitely wasn’t heartbreaking. When was the last time that I literally cried out for others? I have cried because of others, but that was more of a result of my own wounded pride than out of concern for them. To ask for a heart like God’s is to ask for the heart that a parent has for her child, because well, God’s heart for us is that of a father’s. I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of pains I’ve dragged my parents through. And that’s what I’m asking for, to have that sort of love like a parent’s? To have my heartbroken as a parent’s is for her child? Oh gee.
Prayers for conviction.
I have recently started to pray that God lets me see my own sinfulness. I used to avoid this. I used to try to acknowledge my sin as vaguely as possible. I wouldn’t even utter or dare to think the words to describe some of my sins. And some sins, I try to convince myself that I’m not guilty of. I keep refusing to admit many of the struggles and weaknesses that I do have. I want to be able to recognize what they are and acknowledge them so that I can pray for strength and do my best to not give into these. At the same time, I’m too afraid. I just really don’t want to admit that I’m as sinful as I am. To pray for a conviction of my sins is to ask that God forces my eyes open so that I can no longer deny that I am not as “good” as I thought I was.
Prayers for faith.
I ask God to give me bigger faith, to help me to let go and trust Him. Well if I’m asking for help to let go, yet am still holding onto something, then God might decide that He has to rip it out my hands. We are refined by fire. I am going to experience some tough and painful times, extreme loneliness, and failure in order for me to learn to find my strength in God, to depend on Him, to find my fulfillment in Him. Again, this isn’t the only way to enlarge my faith. There are countless times where God reassured me and built me through very gentle, loving, miraculous, and mind-blowing ways. God also manages to bring me to my knees in awe and amazement. However, I know that when I’m praying for bigger faith, sometimes His answer will be some rough patches.
God is most definitely good. MOST DEFINITELY. He whispers sweet nothings and shouts “I love you” every single day, in more ways than I will ever realize. He is always so merciful to such an unfaithful daughter.
It’s just that at times, He also has to show me tough love. I often need to be broken before I can be rebuilt. I always say that struggle is necessary for growth.
I want to stop praying these prayers in ignorance. I want to stop praying foolishly and actually understand what it is that I may be praying for.
A collection 