It’s officially been a week and it boggles my mind the way time flies by.
I don’t really know where to start, what to say, or how to say it. But, I felt like I really needed to sit and spend some time processing and sifting through everything.
The last ~15 days have been.. a lot. I was slowly moving my things into the new apartment and officially moved out on 2/27. My grandmother passed away 3/1 – what a way to start the new month..
After crying hysterically Monday morning, I took a nap and carried on with the days. People kept asking me, throughout the week, how I’m doing. I kept responding to people that I’m doing better.
Truth is that I don’t really know how I’m doing, if I’m doing “better.” Last week, I spent each day tidying the apartment and staying up much later than I should have. I think I just wanted to keep my mind as occupied as possible so I wouldn’t have to deal with all the emotions. Even though I woke up exhausted and hating myself for not sleeping earlier, I wanted to make sure I was as tired as I could possibly be. I wanted to be too tired to think about anything, and so friggin tired that I couldn’t help but knock right out soon as my head touched my pillow.
Having people check in on me helped me feel less alone during the day. Two of my close friends/sisters came over to the new place last Thursday and kept me company during the day. The fiancé came over that night to eat dinner with me.
Before my grandmother passed away, I was hella excited about moving out and having the place to myself for a few months. I was excited to have some of my friends over, to be able to host and feed them. So, when I got to do that on Thursday, my heart was so warm and fuzzy.
And then I was alone Thursday night. Too tired to keep myself busy longer, but not exhausted enough to go right to sleep. All the sadness, the loneliness, the heartache, the regrets, the trauma… they came over me like crashing waves.
I don’t deal with my grief well. I’m sure that statement sounds kind of ridiculous to some people, because well, grieving already implies a difficult time, right?
Still. I think some people are able to process and grieve in ways that are a bit… healthier(?) than others? There are Christians who, even though they’re heartbroken and are mourning, seem to also manage to find peace and comfort.
When my grandfather passed away, it took years for me to find peace.
My grandmother was on the decline for the past 9 months before finally passing away. Even though I desperately wanted her to be relieved of her suffering… even though I begged God to take her home because that’s all she wanted too… I am most definitely not at peace or comforted.
There is a sense of relief, knowing that she no longer has to suffer. But I am so, so, so angry. Having to watch my grandmother die slowly was a slow-burning traumatic experience. Seeing her personality change. Seeing her physically deteriorate, becoming literally just skin and bones. Seeing her stomach sink into itself, her limbs swell as she entered heart failure. The way she died was literally her worst nightmares come true – having to be so fully dependent on other people, to feel like a “burden.”
During her second to last week of life, I didn’t visit her due to me possibly being sick. That was the last week that she’d be able to talk. During her very last week, she couldn’t talk anymore and was barely awake.
Due to needing a major (but not complicated) surgery, my mom also couldn’t see her for awhile. By the time she was able to finally visit my grandmother again, the only thing any of us could do is make eye contact, talk real loud, and hope that she could still cognitively understand us.
I look at photos from the past few years, and I can’t recognize her anymore. The woman I used to know so well, the person who was literally my favorite human in this entire world… I had to lose her slowly. We had to watch, knowing that there was nothing we could do to make her better or even just less uncomfortable.
I had to watch her decline, unsure of how slowly or rapidly the disease would progress, if she’d get to the point of suffocation. The doctor told me what could happen to her, and I had to accept my own helplessness in the situation.
For some people, so much heartbreak and emotional toil would compel them to run toward God. But God has become the last “person” I want to cling to.
Obviously, I’m not the one only to ever experience heart-wrenching loss, especially in the past 12 months. And I don’t know how people do it. I don’t know how to accept what’s happened, mourn, find peace, and then continue to function.
How do I accept reality when it feels SO unfair? How do I become okay with how my grandmother had to die?
The airing of WandaVision was such good timing. The whole show is ultimately an exploration, as well as product, of Wanda’s grief. Her life has literally been a chain of loss.
I know that this one particular quote has generated very polarizing reactions, but I am personally in the camp of enjoying that moment in episode 8.
But what is grief, if not love persevering?
WandaVision, “Previously On”
In the very last episode, Wanda’s forced to say goodbye to the new family she… built? Formed? Found?
She knows it’s coming – she can literally see it approaching her. That ending absolutely wrecked me, because of how deeply it resonated with my own loss.
A collection 