Past month or so has been rough.
This might actually be the most jumbled post I write, and perhaps, ever will write, on here.
I just need to get this clutter out of my head and straightened out in words.
More like fasting & hangry.
That was me yesterday.
Accountability always scared me and I normally shy away from accountability for my sins. Some reasons include not wanting to be rebuked, not wanting to give up my sins, and not wanting to feel bad about myself.
I’ve been struggling with certain sins so long that I don’t even remember when they began. I kept trying to overcome my habitual sins on my own, because I felt too awkward and embarrassed to tell anyone. I feared judgement, that the person would look at me differently. However, I think these sins are the kind where you absolutely need a trusted sister/brother to help.
And I’m tired of constantly falling back into this.
I watched Deadpool this past weekend. Which.. wasn’t exactly my cup of tea. I kind of felt like I needed to go repent after that movie.
I read this summary on why John Piper argues that Christians shouldn’t watch the movie. I also read some other stuff (written by hostile non-Christians) that attack John Piper’s argument.
I admit that I do usually find John Piper just a tad bit extreme, though I don’t disagree with his points on the topic. I do however, think that there’s a lot more to it than his seven points. Anywho.. my post is not meant to focus on that.
I sent the post to a friend and then we had a brief discussion about sin and they asked me, “But where do you draw the line then?”
While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.
–Stephen R. Covey
A reoccurring lesson, especially within the past few months, is that all actions bear consequences.
Every decision we make yields some sort of outcome. Sometimes, or maybe more often than not, you don’t see those consequences until later. This came up in a conversation with one of my best friends & has been one of the more prominent thoughts and themes going on for me.
Sometimes, it’s small enough to easily fix. A simple apology or explanation and things are back to normal or the damage is undone. Unfortunately, there are a lot of times when it doesn’t work out so smoothly. There are times when the damage takes a lot more effort and time to undo or repair. Sometimes, things are forever changed or damaged.
37 All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. 38 For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. 39 And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. 40 For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.”
I have been struggling on and off with intense self-loathing. I had committed an abundance of sins in the past year – plus some – that I have yet to forgive myself for. Or even if I did or think I did, they often creep back through memories and temptations and remind me of how deep my sins can go, of how much sin I’m capable of.
18 Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.
19 You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.
I have been.. on & off. Currently an off-period. Perhaps it’s been made worse because I’m pmsing.. anywho.
I’ve just fallen back into the traps of guilt, shame, and anger.
I’ve repented on my knees and I thought I was at peace with God and myself already. But I guess moving forward is much harder than I expected it to be.
I don’t know what it is exactly.. I just still feel dirty and.. bad..? Is it because I’m frustrated that I keep falling into these sins? Is it because I can’t seem to overcome some of these? Is it because even if I am on a good streak, the temptations are still there and there’s no way to guarantee that I won’t fall into them again?
I have to combat so many self-destructive thoughts. Thoughts that I’m not good enough, that I’m no good at all, that I’m going to keep failing, that I’m on my own, and that God is growing impatient with me.
I keep thinking that my sins cover me in un-cleanable filth.