Past month or so has been rough.
This past year, especially this summer, has really been something.
I have not felt as undeserving, shameful, selfish, and well.. ugly, as I have this past year. There were so many moments where I just wanted to climb into a hole and hide, embarrassed of how self-absorbed and self-serving I could get. I would put myself before others, reluctant to sacrifice my resources. I would continue to behave in ways that I knew were not pleasing to God, even after acknowledging that I should stop. I’d keep doing it because doing what I want was more important than not doing what God didn’t want.
Sometimes, I get so angry or bitter so easily, letting powerful and negative emotions get the better of me. I’d curse people under my breath and think such unnecessary nasty thoughts against others. And then, I feel horrible and 미안해 to God. “How do I pray and worship with the same tongue that curses and belittles others out of irrational anger?”
I almost never paid attention in my American lit class because it was an absolute joke and utterly useless to me. Somehow though, I managed to still get something out of the class.
The first was when my professor told us not to try and take all blame upon ourselves. God, the Creator of the universe, already knows that we cannot handle that kind of burden and would never expect us to shoulder all blame. The second was when we were reading through some of Emerson’s stuff and I just happened to pay a bit of attention when we were reading this particular section. There was one line that just smacked me in the face:
There is no object so foul that intense light will not make beautiful.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson