Don’t worry. This isn’t a post dedicated to my love for Dr. Strange, Benadryl Cumbersquatch, or the MCU.
This post has actually been waiting to be written for about a month now. So, a lot of these are thoughts I started having awhile ago.
I’ve lost plenty of friendships in the past few years. Some have been the kind of loss where God had to slice them out of my life. Others were gradual drifts. Some feel like they’re kind of floating in a weird limbo.
In light of the most recent falling out that I had, I took time to reflect on why it seems like I can’t maintain relationships with people.
How do I continue to end up in this place?
It’s been a week and some change since the funeral.
The past week and a half have been the worst days of my life thus far.
Something in me this morning had a feeling that today would carry bad news. The way the rain poured this morning, it was like that morning after. The way rivers rushed out my eyes last night.
As I spent the first hour before the hospital visit, working from home, I asked God if this was Him mourning with/for us. I wondered if this was Him telling me to brace myself.
Why can’t I push pause on life?
Oh, God, I’m tired. I am a kind of tired that even the most pleasant summer afternoon nap cannot remedy.
It’s almost 1AM. Tonight is the most reponsive I’ve been in the past 3 days. People responded with coursing river swiftness with the cute videos and the memes and such. I’m so humbled at how quickly people respond to my cries. Know that even though my words are inefficient and I am too awkward and timid to thank you directly, I am thankful for each of you.
This is more of an update on how I’m holding up today. I don’t have any updates on my grandpa, which I suppose is a good thing. His heart didn’t stop middle of the night. Last night, they told me that they would start feeding him through tubes. We’re supposed to meet with a team tonight (if they stay true to their word) about… well, I’m not quite sure. My brother and my mom were the ones who were informed, not me. It seems like possible hospice care/treatment and funeral arrangements, etc.
Before anything else, I started doing a monthly post where I daily track things I am thankful for. This is something I started to work on complaining less and praising more. I only started it last month and I waited until the end to publish it.
For this month, I’ve decided to publish it already. If you’re interested in a daily track of what’s going through my mind and heart as my family and I go through this painful and difficult time, you can see it here.
Everything is happening so rapidly, it feels like there’s no time for us to even breathe. In the past 48 hours, I’ve had a lot of medical information thrown at me. Between all of us, we’ve cried enough tears to water gardens.