3:00AM

I’ve been sitting in this hospital’s family room for the past 3+ hours now. I’ve been up for almost 5. My whole upper body area is aching from crunching up to sleep on these tiny seats that are about half my size (height).

This is the second time I’ve gotten a call in the middle of the night and rushed to the hospital in the past four-ish weeks.

I am powerless. I can’t do anything to calm my grandma’s anxiety. Or my mom’s. I can’t help my own. And I’m thankful to be here by myself because I’ve bursted into tears multiple times. My body refuses to do that when my mom is around. Who’s going to drive if we’re all visually impaired with tears, right?

All I could do was beg God not to take him away yet. When we got there, he was laid out in the living room, no shirt, tubes in him, and was having CPR performed on him.

I finally got a call a little past 8AM. The doctor told me his vitals are somewhat stable but his recovery the next few days are critical. We need to see how his brain is, since he wasn’t getting air for some time. But, we’re allowed to go see him now. I’m waiting for my mom to get here so we can go up together.

I’m too tired to think or feel anything at this point. I’m simply relieved that he’s alive. I was actually looking forward to going into work today, but asked for the day off since I’ve been here all morning. If I’m honest, I still want to go to work later and just shave the first few hours with PTO hours. I don’t want to spend the rest of my day not occupied. But, I’m the emergency contact person and should keep myself available, right?

It’s also almost 9 and I’m still waiting for my mom to get here, so I wouldn’t even make it to work with much time left anyways, aha..

It’s noon. We got to see my grandpa. Can I be honest…? I was partially reluctant to go in because I was afraid that seeing all the tubes stuck in him would freak me out. I’m here alone again. My mom took my grandma home to get some rest and my mom has business to tend to. There’s no use in all of us sitting here idly.

Things don’t look too good right now. The doctor expressed a lot of concern. But, there is still much to be thankful for.

Number one thing is that he’s at least alive. They were able to revive him on the scene before taking him into the ambulance. The number two but what I’m currently most grateful for are the nurses and doctors. Having less than pleasant nurses and docs makes a tough situation that much worse. But the nurse and the doctor who has been communicating with me have been very kind, compassionate, and gentle.

I managed to get some sleep but my eyes are burnt out from tears. Overall, I was doing a great job at not crying but seeing my grandma, worn out and lips drooping like I’ve never seen, standing at his bedside broke me. And finally having time to breathe and process, with my mom and brother not with me, every worry and sorrow crashed down on me.

I’m hungry. But I don’t want to eat or move. I wonder when it is appropriate for me to go home for the day, if there is any benefit to me staying longer. Not that it matters because I’m stranded here with no car.

Aaaaand, the nurse recommend I stay until the evening so I can be here when they have some sort of scan results…

God, please have mercy. Have mercy on my grandpa. Please don’t take him yet. Please don’t leave my grandma alone in that apartment. Please don’t take him before he gets to see one of his grandchildren get married.

God, please have mercy on our tired bodies and minds. My brother still got up and went to work. My mom still has a business to run.

Father, please have mercy on my own tired spirit. Being in the hospital only brings bad memories of when my mom was in here and when my brother was recently in here. I’m too drained to feel anything right now. I just want to brush my teeth, eat, shower, and to curl up in my own bed right now.

It feels almost outrageous to ask God for such a big miracle. There’s no way he could come out of this functional, without significant brain damage. So to beg God to let him be okay seems like such a crazy prayer to pray. Is it my lack of faith? I don’t know. But God is a god of possibilities and of miracles. So, still, I pray. I plea. I beg.

I am terrified. I’m terrified of the updates I’ll be hearing tomorrow. God, please have mercy.

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