This past year, especially this summer, has really been something.
I have not felt as undeserving, shameful, selfish, and well.. ugly, as I have this past year. There were so many moments where I just wanted to climb into a hole and hide, embarrassed of how self-absorbed and self-serving I could get. I would put myself before others, reluctant to sacrifice my resources. I would continue to behave in ways that I knew were not pleasing to God, even after acknowledging that I should stop. I’d keep doing it because doing what I want was more important than not doing what God didn’t want.
Sometimes, I get so angry or bitter so easily, letting powerful and negative emotions get the better of me. I’d curse people under my breath and think such unnecessary nasty thoughts against others. And then, I feel horrible and 미안해 to God. “How do I pray and worship with the same tongue that curses and belittles others out of irrational anger?”
There are plenty of specific moments that when I look back, I cringe. Times that I want to lock away. Parts of me that are too ugly to show.
And yet, when I am feeling my lowest and scrubbiest, I have also felt the most loved.
I have been showered in endless love. Others have placed me before themselves. I’ve been taken care of ridiculously well. I’ve been loved so selflessly by people who have seen me at some of my worst moments with tears, complaints, animosity, stinginess, self-absorption, etc. It truly does baffle me how people still love me, willingly. I deserve not even an ounce of their love.
And if people can love me despite the ugliness that I’ve shown, then how much crazier is it that God sees all my unspoken and hidden ugliness, and still loves me unconditionally? How much deeper, wider, and greater must His love be? Even though I make mistake after mistake, that I may often do more harm than good, that I push Him aside all the time, He still loves me, that He already knew that this was the kind of daughter I would be and still redeemed me.
Just.. like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! I can’t put into words just how much it amazes me that I could be so dearly and beautifully loved.